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Everything keeps building and building. I know its not entirely his fault but if he could just open his pea-brained eyes every once in a while maybe he would see it. At first I tried to just give him subtle hints and comments but he didnt catch on even the least. So next I even went as far as telling him straight up ” I am NOT ok” “I am falling apart and all I need is for you to just be there for me” and still we end in argument. I’m going insane, stressed, frustrated, depressed, and just plain worthless.

My brother recently discovered he had a golf ball sized tumor so he just got brain surgery – and even that day and night, my guy started a fight with me. Im freaking out hoping my brother will make it through and your upset that I didnt respond to your I love you text that you sent whenever and that I didnt even receive until I stepped out of the hospital and got signal on my phone. Really…WTF. Your 35 years old…ACT LIKE IT.

So another event two weeks later my dad is back in the hospital in ER for his heart AGAIN. So I drive out of town and I go and visit him, once again hes busy doing whatever and doesnt have time to support me and my family. Then after visiting hours I decide to meet up with my old (59yrs old to be specific) friend and play pool for an hour and then drive back to the families house. Hes furious, thinks Im out looking for guys and thinks I want the 59year old. …REALLY…WTF.  Hes the same age as my grandpa, dont be creepy.  So once again, another time where I really needed him to support me and my family and instead he decides to break me down even further and fight over his insecurity.

I could go on but its pointless. There have been so many little things that he just doesnt get. I know he loves me but the insane jealousy and insecurity is driving me up the wall. We talk of marriage and kids and how can that ever work when he cant control himself. I try to explain this but it never gets anywhere.

So here we are another night with another pointless fight and I cant take it anymore. Were screaming at the top of our lungs and I dont even know what we are fighting about anymore. Hes threatening to kill himself, wrote a suicide note to his girls, and telling me what hes going to do, and wont quit. I tell him to please stop and he comments back. I tried to hug him and he wont let me. “You dont love me, you dont want me, you want somebody else” he kept repeating. I just couldnt take it anymore, I reached out and knocked the glass out of the hand and onto the floor, pop spilled everywhere. I tell him “dont you get it, Im breaking down and I need you” he comments back about how he thinks I dont care and dont want him. I just stood there with my head hung low and all he could say was “what do you want from me”. I cant take this fighting anymore, especially right now, I started walking towards the bedroom and he yells back “thats what I thought” and then suddenly I dont know what came over me but I slammed my hand down on the table and then grabbed ahold of it and threw it across the room into the wall. Everything on it went flying, including the coffee pot that smashed into the wall next to the sliding glass door throwing glass everywhere, holes in the wall. Then I grab the next closest thing being the tv trays and slam them onto the ground and yell out “what the Fuck is wrong with you, cant you see that Im not ok and that not everything has to be about you all the time and walk into the bedroom and just break down. He doesnt come in, not even 2 hours later. Then when Im asleep he finally comes in and wakes me and basically pretends nothing happened.

I love him, but i just dont understand why he cant see it. Ive done everything for him. Even took in his nephew and took LEGAL court ordered guardianship of the kid on my own. We are both stressed and depressed and its like were at each others throats constantly and its not even about real things. oh i didnt respond to my text message when i was at work – huge fight – oh I am too tired when you didnt get home until 1am and i have to be up by 6:30 – huge fight. Really…WTF

I dont know what came over me. I was so angry I threw a table across the room. Nobody would have ever seen that coming. I am an ex cutter/self mutilator, but i have never hurt anyone else. Its like the adrenaline just overpowered me and somehow little 5’2 me threw a table across the room and put holes in the wall. A “hulk moment” as some would say. Then everything was ok…It doesnt make any sense.

Aunt Lucy and Uncle Frank