Honestly, I didn’t care that much for a while. I get it, I know there’s nothing I can do and that’s the way this has always been. But here-come almost two years in and still – NOTHING. Really…after a month you were begging – or so you said and here nearing on two years there hasn’t been barely an effort on your part. I believed you for a while when you said it wasn’t your fault. I got the messages, found some others, overheard the yelling, listened to the little birds and even with uncertainty watching our every move, I believed you.
Times swayed and eventually instincts kicked and I ventured for reason. I found them but resisted accusation. I wasn’t proud – but I knew it wasn’t right. Still I waited for your inclusion.
Soon afterwards I found your “sites” and of course I knew I was never going to get an honest answer from you and that really I was just living in the shadows of your lies. And even then after a while, I honestly didn’t care because I wanted to believe you weren’t like that.
Things developed. I took more responsibility. I beared arms and grew pockets for yours that were missing. I thought it was right and honestly – it was in large because of that for which I grew reason to not care. Though strange at age 24, I enjoyed the additional steps I gained even without your assist.
Then later came more shadows, some chains, a pair of cuffs, bills, memories, and once again you expected that everything was ok and it was no big deal. “you didn’t lie – you just didn’t say”…wrong…Hiding is the same as lieing the only difference is you are lieing in wait until it the truth falls spotlight – same – might as well just thrown me back to the shadows. Denial and I were becoming good friends anyway.
So of course time passed and as heard the apple might as well have been the tree – my arms lost branches and pockets became severed. I should have known – i did know – but there was a time…when I didn’t care.
Things improved slight though maybe was only my bond with denial that became strong . My questions grew sharp – Your accusations became louder – my views grew smaller and then once again…really…it was all the same. I found your “sites” again. Your converse, your universe, your gallery, your shadows, my denial.
So here I lie in lieu. Uncertain, unhappy, alone, and yet all I can think of is, there was a time…when I didn’t care…and honestly if I don’t start now, when is the time I will.
…welcome back Girl Zero…
- Love = Hurt – Part 1 (gypsy116.wordpress.com)